Hi,
my name is Eric Jackson. This is my testimony. I grew up in a nice house with
both parents and four sisters. I never lacked anything. Jesus blessed my
parents with great jobs and they were wonderful examples for me. I was good in
school, quiet, never got into any trouble. People looked at me as being so
smart and nice. My step-dad was the pastor of the church I attended. We are
Christians. My life was great, I can’t complain. But something was missing.
Happiness.
June 11, 1996, I graduated high school and reluctantly faced a new world. I
didn’t prepare for it and I had no ambition to succeed in life. Furthering my
education didn’t enter my mind. My only concern was getting away from my
parents. By August that year, I had done just that. Moving from one relative’s
house to another. Finally, I settled down with my sister and her family for the
most part. However, I couldn’t hold a steady job. When things got rough, I quit
or got fired. I wanted everything to come to me very easily. Sometimes, I would
go without working for a couple of months at a time. That’s when an addiction
came into my life.
Pornography is an addiction. I never went to clubs or rented porn videos. I
watched it late nights on cable to the point where the re-runs annoyed me. It
was a hunger that never got full. I just wanted more and more. Yes, I was still
going to church, praising God as if everything was fine. But inside, I wasn’t
serving Jesus Christ sincerely. It was all a front; a pretty good one at that,
because no one knew the difference. I watched pornography because it made me
happy. It made me feel good inside, I got pleasure from it. However, it was
destroying the rest of my life. The beginning of June 1998, I turned twenty
years old. I was immature, irresponsible, and a hypocrite. Wow, what would my
classmates think of me then?
At one Sunday morning service, I stood in church exhausted. I had stayed up
until 6:30a.m. watching XXX movies and I had no energy. The pastor walked back
to where I was sitting and put his hand on my forehead. He said, “There is a
hindrance there that needs to be moved out of the way.” Then he walked away,
never to mention it again. Suddenly, such a strong conviction came over me. I
got so sad and sorry for what I was doing. That’s when the battle began between
my flesh and my, now reborn, spirit. Many nights I had trouble sleeping. I
fought the temptations, covering my head with a pillow and blanket; willing
myself to stay away from the television. Some nights it worked, but many nights
I lost the battle. I had become my worst enemy.
December 31, 1998, there I was in church. As usual, we prayed the New Year in.
My prayer was different that year, though. I was angry, mad, yelling at God
silently through my prayer. I was tired of the fight, the struggle, and part of
me didn’t want to give up the pornography. Jesus listened to me, every word,
patiently allowing me to vent out all of my frustrations. I told Him that I
couldn’t and sometimes didn’t want to obey Him. He answered, “I know.” I
replied, “What do You mean, “You know?!” He helped me to understand that I
can’t turn away from sin with my own strength. I need Him to change me. Then He
asked, “What do you want to do?” I thought about it and decided I wanted to
live for Him, but I didn’t know how to. Apparently, that’s all He needed to
hear from me. He began to do the rest.
By my 21st birthday, I was doing so much better. My spirit was steadily growing
stronger than my flesh. Still, I had a lot of learning to do and I finally had
to face the consequences of my sin. I had to learn to work hard, be diligent,
responsible, and mature. I had to learn that Jesus’ love fills me and makes me
happy without my life falling apart in the process. I learned to go after
dreams I had lost and am still pursuing them today. I found out Jesus gave me
gifts to write and create art. He can actually work through me to touch other
people’s lives. Knowing that always puts a smile on my face. But as my life
became steadier, as I lived out on my own two feet, “it” came back.
January 17, 2003, I fell to the temptation of pornography again. In February,
March, and April as well, I fell. I had to go back to the Lord and ask Him,
“Why am I doing this when I know it’s wrong?” For the same reason as before,
“happiness.” My career in art and writing wasn’t taking off as I expected it
to. My regular job was getting more frustrating and tiring. I focused on my
problems more than I focused on the love of Jesus Christ. April 20, 2003 is the
last day I have fallen. As I walked to a gas station after midnight, turned my
t-shirt inside out. It had “JESUS” going across the front in huge letters. I
brought a XXX video and watched the whole thing that early morning.
As the video ended about 3:30 a.m., my eyes were full of tears. I looked at
myself in the mirror and couldn’t recognize my own face. I quickly made my
decision. I took the sharp end of a hammer and crushed the videotape; into the
garbage it went. All I could do was ask for forgiveness and help to never
return to where I had been in the past. Now, July 13th, 2003, Jesus is
strengthening me. Giving me new ideas for Christian art and writing, helping me
defeat my flesh. I realize that He has a better plan for my life. He will
finish the work He has begun in me as long as I stay sincere and obedient to
Him. The more that I love Him, the easier it is to live for Him. But, if I turn
away, I won’t be able to fulfill the purpose Jesus has for my life. I encourage
you to keep your life in Jesus’ hands. No matter what the circumstances look
like, there is no better place to be. Live in His love.
Sincerely,
Eric C. Jackson