A Sister in Christ From Germany wrote...
I was born to my mom, when she was not yet married. She was ashamed, had much trouble and didn’t want me, she told me later, when I was grown up. She said that had she found a method to abort me, she would have done so. TG, she didn’t. But that little embryo felt already that it was not wanted. Though I was really loved by my mom, when I came, that little unborn felt this world as a place insecure, that’s why later I had many problems in my soul, with my self worth. And in certain situations felt drawn to feelings like; It would have been better, I never was born. Thanks to God, He helped me out of this. I grew up with my mom and my grandparents, that means her parents. I learned good in school, like to use my brain and learn new things. Because I have since young years a little problem with my left hip, I was not good in sports and I became a bookworm, love to read. I was ridiculed by other kids, as I couldn’t run so fast. But that’s long ago, though I have this hip problem to this very day. I came across a Christian camp meeting, when I was 12 or 13, there I heard the gospel, responded to it and gave my life to Jesus. But little did I understand!! I learned about the bible, mostly that believing is a serious thing, that the world is of evil, I found no joy and didn’t understand much. With 16, I met an ongoing preacher in a camp meeting, who had just ended a relationship and thought I am the one, whom God had sent for him. He woke me up sexually, that means, started touching me; I had no ideas about what was going on, as my mom hadn’t told me. She had her own problems. But that ongoing preacher was not allowed to have a friend. So we got engaged, as to have something to hold on to. I at that point in time, started my profession, which is becoming a registered nurse. I came across Baptists, where I was baptised soon, I thought I had to do it. Little did I understand of God. As I was baptised, that preacher, who was not believing in adults baptism, wanted me not to do it, but it was done. That ended my relationship with that preacher, as same time I fell in love with another man, a believer, but he didn’t want me. Out of frustration, as I realised later, I married my first husband. But I was too young, immature, so after 3 years I separated, from husband as well as from God. I found All so very complicated, faith as well as life in general. That brought me of course in no good life. While still married, my father showed up for first time in my life. I was so happy to have him, I never saw before, that I had done all to keep him for me. He, he saw only a woman in me, not the daughter. And so he brought me into a unhealthy relationship with him, and I was so hungry for love, especially his love, that I let it happen, of course I had run away from a God, I never known as a father in the first place, just as a Big God, that I was afraid of. My father though had no real interest in me, and later left me. We didn’t live together, we just met occasionally, and I ended in his bed one time. ONE TIME too much! I felt bad, but that was it. In all those years I woke up sexually, but couldn’t deal with it. So, after being divorced and having lived a promiscuous lifestyle, I married for second time. As my husband was from another culture and personally very difficult, and a zero in eyes of society, my father had no more interest in me. I rarely saw him anymore. After some very frustrating years, I had an affair with another man. That man told me one day, he had nearly been a theologian, but with his lifestyle he couldn’t. I asked him, all of a sudden, out of the blue, if he could explain to me what that Jesus-thing was all about. He said something not wrong, and I started my search for God. I started reading books about Jesus. like one from a German author, who declared, that all those bible stories were only fairy tales. That made me sick at once to my body, as I felt nausea rising up in me, immediately. I didn’t know what to do. Felt miserable, tried to remember something from the bible, I only could speak psalms 23 a bit, that I did whole night. I felt I had to jump out of the window, as tension arose in me. But God helped me not to do it. My hubby was in other country that time. Next morning I couldn’t go to work, had not slept. I found an excuse. Then during the whole day I tried to figured out, what is the truth. Until by evening I called a co-worker, who was a believing Christian. His wife was there and as she noticed, that I had a problem, asked me to come over to them, which I did. I had before asked my mom to give me to eat, but I couldn’t eat, still had nausea. Arrived and entered at co-workers home, I asked for something to eat, which of course I was given to. That moment, I entered their house, my nausea was gone. We talked after I ate, I told my story, and I REALLY consciously gave my life to Jesus. That happened the 8.of march 1983. Since that day I am on my way with Jesus. I repented of all my sins and faults and He forgave me. I also had had an abortion, when I met my hubby, being pregnant just from an affair before. That I regret to this very day, as I never again got a child. I had two miscarriages with my hubby, that was it. I then confessed my adultery to my hubby ,after he came back. I wanted to get things clear, but the response was bad. Hubby hit me at my head, cause he was so furious, I saw demons enter in that moment. It was a terrible time and the Lord has ,through many events, started to heal my broken heart. Eventually it got better and I learned about my faith. I got my stepdaughter in 1989, which is a story in itself. The Lord has been faithful ever since and I learn more about His love and grace every day. My father died in 1994, disinherited me. I could, after the Holy Spirit led me, reconcile to my first hubby, who is married long ago again. I had and still have some, problems in my life, but I am very grateful, that God through Jesus Christ forgave me all my sins and is since that I am process of restoration in me and with me. My stepdaughter got saved in 1994, as well as my mom in 1995. To my sadness my hubby still didn’t give his life to the Lord, he has no intentions, doesn’t see his need for salvation. Last year, the Lord was so gracious, that He gave me a chance to be NOW being baptised with water, as I wanted it ever since after 1983, but none did it. God saw fit to prepare that for me, as now I understood really what I was saved from. He gave me a good church, with a pastor, who really cares, understands me. There have been many roads I traveled, good and false, but the Lord kept me in all. Praise be to Him until all eternity. Far from having reached it, I say”: One thing I do: Forgetting, what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3,13 and 14)